


Firewhiskey Fic: Fine Young Trollop

by UnseenLibrarian



Series: Firewhiskey Drunken Fics [11]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Parody, References to Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-28 05:14:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/670664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnseenLibrarian/pseuds/UnseenLibrarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merry P. Sue thinks her Trolls need looking after. Hermione shows her differently. A January 2013 Firewhiskey Fic entry - - no betas allowed - drunken misspellings are part of the charm!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Firewhiskey Fic: Fine Young Trollop

**Author's Note:**

> **For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!**
> 
> **Prompt Challenge:** Trolls/Mary Sues
> 
>  **Word count:** Well, around 2750
> 
>  **Author's Notes:** Hi. This goes out to all those people at the LJ comm "pottersues".
> 
>  **A Winner:** Won the "BEST USE OF PROMPT" award at the LJ January 2013 FirewhiskeyFic Fest.
> 
> **I REPEAT: For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!**

* * *

"SO WHAT?" Merry P. Sue got off the Floo call, shaking her head of golden chestnut hair. "Honestly, you'd think we could afford to find some decent Magical Creature authorities these days, bnow that Vodielmrt is gone and so forth! But Honestly, I just don't get it.":

Merry batted her purple eyeslashes at herself in the mirror. "I must do sometrhing with my hair, but I just don't knw what! My locks are long and lush and just so beautifuly wild, I can't do a THINK with them!":

She picked up her ebony wan d woith the unicorn heartstring inside. It was 12 inches long and oh-so-springy, pergfect for Charms work. Because Merry was oh-so-charming. Everyone loved Merry.

Merry was SO charming, in fact, that she'd decided to be also giving and loving and carin g and do some good in the world. She was one of the other Hufflebuff woken women from Harry's Potter's year, burt since Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones had stomelen te spotlight, Merry had been overshadowed. But she had such a big hard she didn't really care. Heart, I eamn. A Hard heart? No, no, that wasn't Merry. She loved everyone. She was such a Puff.

She was also a fuicking Ho, but really, who really knew that? She was a Ho-full-Puff, really. She loved sex, and fuicking, and since she loved everoyne and was a Puff, anyway, she thought she might aass well make some use out of her House's reputation for being a good friend and ahard worker. She'd put the two traist to gerther along with her Nymphomaina (a sad side effect of lifing with her horrible uncles and aunt for the first 16 years of her life. The undles were identical twins and the aunt was their wife and sister, and they'd all lived in the back back back woods of Arkansas. Merry had been given to them by the state (which was also made of inbred idiots) when her parents, - long lost distant cousins of THE Harry Potter – died in a friek blimp accident at a football stadium.

Anywho, the Uncles (twins – and did I meanti,m that they were conjoined twins? They shared a penis.) Uncle Ben and Uncle Ned they were called. Why, she didn't now. They were married to their , Whos' name was Pat. Pat's sexual status was acutall;y never really certain to Merry. Pat was rather androgeouns but anyway, she sure jewnew kew what to do with the shared, mosntrostousely of a dick that her Uncle Husbands had. It was twice the size of a normal pecnise, but since they couldn't be3 selarapte separated (the blook looss woud kiddlll them, and the twin Uncles were the breadwinners of the familby) they had to stick together. When they wanted congugla relations – wich was all the time – they'd call in Pat, and also Merry.

Merry found she really liked her Uncles' penis, so she didn't mind the incestuas fuckitude of the situation. Then, at 11 years old, she got The Call, and went to Gogwarts School of Wichdracgvr and Wisardfucklery. She'd gone with great bleee, thinkning ot woud be nice to make some friends her own age and maybe not have to suck in giagantic penises for a while. It all wasgreat, she'd made firend,s doen deceneltyy en ough in her clases, but then she felt lonely because Erniy and Justinf FF and Zacharias only wanted to play with Hanna and Susan. What about Merry? She cryied a lot.

Then Merry met Hagrid. Who had a dick the size of her Aunt Pat, and Merry din't cry anymore. She was os happy, her first herar year was going wonderfully well.

THEN, there was that poor Troll that had gotten caught in the dungeon. That stupid Hermione Granger and that Ronald Weasley and her cousing Harry Potter )whi didn't lnonw he was her cousin, but she thought he was kidna cute so sie didn't want to tell him tey were related, in case f he secieded she was cute, too, and they started fu king. He might not like incest.)

ANYWAY, wne the Troll was left alone for a few miuntues after Hermione and Ron and Harry were shoode away by the professors, Merry stole into the girls' bathroom it had desrupyed and helped it felel better, by sucking on its dick and helping it find Its Happy Place.

Troll Jizz looks a lot like Troll Boogies, but there's moire of it.

That started Merry's life long lonve avfair with . she knew they wre just mistunderstood cratures, who cares if they smelled like a sewer? Her Siamese twin Uncles had smelled ,like dried Smegma most of the time, esp. when she or her Autn hadn't had a chance to suck them off in a while. Anway, so she makde rfriends with everyuone in school who wasn't part of the orignal canon storyline, especially the pople who had money in their families, and raied enough money in donations and in payment for Tricks to establish the

"MERRY POTTER SUE'S TROLL SANCTUARY"

Or, "The Trollop's Sanc", for shurt.

At the Sanc, she housed many poor, downtrodden, sex-deprived Trolls, all of whom where perfectly nice creatures if they got a blowjob every day. Come to think if it, that's like most men, isn't it.

Merry's musings were interruledpte by the tincling of the stupid little bell next to the Floo. She wiggled her way over to the Floo to answer it, her tight, musclay Arse encased in the blue demnim of a short skirt, pergeectly appropriate for a Trollop on the make, but completely unappropriate for mucking out the Troll's Stalls.

She hoped that this call was the one she'd been waiting for.

"Helloopo?" she trilled in her hertstoppingly lovely fvoice.

"Hello? Who is thi? Is this Merry P. Sue?" a crackly foice acompanied the face in her fire.

Poo. It was that Hermione Granger. The girl wh[d befriended her coussin Harry afte the t Troll TRoilet inciendt, and had kept Her, Merry, from getting close to him ever since. Drat.

"Yes, this is she. Who are you, may I ask?"

"You just did, you silly witch. I am Hermione Granger, Head of the Besast Division of the Department of Care of Magical and Musucal Creatures or some such stupid, long name like that. Goddamn it I can't eveon come up with a satusfuolyoing acronmym for the department. I can't wait to tget g the fuck

OUT of their. Anyway. Wheree was I?" Hermione sputtered to a hault.

"You were sayng you are with the Creatures depart,ent" said Merry.

"Oh yes. As I was saying, I'm with the Creatures department, and I have been assigned to come help you with your situatiuon there. I have two companions. May we come through now?"

"Oh yes, ofcourse!"

**_FAAAAAAA PWING KAZOTT_ **

Hermione stepped thorugh the grate of the Fireplace in the Trollop's office, quickly followed by Charlie Weasley, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy.

Merry gaped.

"What's wong with you, Troppol?" asked Draco, wiping soot off his immaculate robes.

Merry was flommoxed. She'd never spoken to any of the three men before, yet she kew Harry on site, of course, and Draco, well – he was the Sex God of Slytherin House, after all. Who DIDN'T know hom? But the redhgead, she didn't know him at all.

My gis,h., are my skills at being a talented, well-loved-despite-my-upbringing, sexy witch all going to go to the wayside? Just because of the males that SHE chose to bring along?

Damn it! merry was NOT happy. But, she was sch a sweet young thing she smiled poloitely at her former classmate. Hermione.

"Woujd., you interoduce me to this handlson e hgentlmane, Hermione? He's a bit familiar, but I havne't met him before…" she giggled and winked at Charlie, who stared back at her, stonefaced.

Hot damn, h'es sexy, she tohught to herself. She was glad she was weraring her most Trollopy skirt, the one that aqws made of demin, like I said hearler, and was barly covering her arsecheeks. She loved it, and she hopled she'd get a chance to drop her wand soon so she could bend over in fromt of this hunky ginger specimen.

"This is Carlie Weasley,: said Hermione briskly. "He's gay. Gay, gaymgay. He coul,nd't be more gay. He used to have sex with his brothers until he was able to espacel to Romoaniea, where he bow has sex with sexy Dragon Keepers. Do hot not even attempt to seduce him unless you want your ego to burn up into a crisp. He is NOT itneretested."

She indeicated Harry.

"This is Harry Potter. He is fucking sexy as hell and e oens't know it. He has beautufuyl eyes. But he is also your cousin, and I know abou you background, but U woul,dnt' recommened fucking your own cousin. Really. You will end up with squib children who do NOT have Harry's beautiful green eyes." Hermione started into Merry's purple eyes. "Um, yeah. Purple, is it? What the fck, Merry. Do you reall thin that will get the guyts?"

" What? I dunnop. I was born this way." Said Merry.

"Hi." Said Harry.

"humphe." Said Hermione.

"Well, at least I didn't' magically alter my teeth!" shriekd Marry, a biut tetchjy.

Hermione ignored her. Instead she turned to Draco, who'd been standing there lounding aganst the chimney piece, looking like he could swagger into a room and seduce it wih one smouldering glance.

"This, as you already probably know, is Draco Mafloy. He is hotter than hot but dumb as a bag of hammers. Pretty, though, Isn't he?" she stroked Draco's hair, then his cheek, then his cock through his troseres. Draco grinned, a perfectly white toothed grin, and began to disrobe.

Charilie took that as a cue and began to strip down, too. Harry just tookm a look out the window, before turnng back to the crowed. Charlie was naked by this time. His body was burned and scarred but in a very sexy way, not gross at all, and he had a big, thick dick. Of course! He grabbed Harry and began manhadnling the clothes off him.

Draco, who by now wqs wearing nothing but a smile, had fallen to his knees and begun to untie Hermione's shooes, and to tug down her skirt. She smiled at Merry, who looked convused. No wqan one was paying the slightest bit of attention to Merry or ger big tits or her barely-demin-clad arse. She coulnd't iunderstand.

"I give great head, you know," she said to Charlie. Charlie grunted.

"He doesn't care," moaned Harry, who wqas being stroked into thickness by Charlie. "He won't talk to you. You aren't a man, and you aren't a dragon."

"But I don't understand!"

"He's fucking GAY, You Insipid Trollop!" shouted Draco, pausing in his eating out of Hermione's fluffy brown-haired pussy. The hair looked uust like the hair on her head, Merry thought.

But I'm beautiful, and friendly, and caring!" crined Merry.

"Yes, but HE'S GAY! Jeez!" said Harry and Draco together. Harry groaned as Charlie engulfed Harry's erection with his mouth, sucking hard and fast so must much so that his cheeks hollowed. Charlie's hand crept between Harry's legs and Merry could see that he was diddling Harry's perenium and his arsehole. Harry, who was not an unendowed man, wqas loving it, his hgands burried in Charlie's ginger locks and strocking at his scarred, burned, and tattooed showlders.

Meanwhile, Draco was bringing Hermione to orgasm. Merry could tell by the way Hermioken wss cluytching Crado's face with her thighs and creaming all over his cheeks. Merry could never understand the creeaming thing, but apparently some qomen o women are squirters. And Hermione was one.

So.

"I'm Sexy! I'm horney! I wanna fucl! And wh;'os going to help me with my Trolls?!" sjhe shreaked. "I can't give them ALL blowjobs everyu day! There are 54 Trolls here, and if I try to do it all myself, I get so awfully bloated! Aren't you here to elp?!" she shrieked, attractively.

But, it din't work.

"L:ook," hermione gasped, as she came down from her orgasm. She pished Draco to the floor, straddled him, and shived his hurge, uncircumsized COCK up her cunt. She began to ride him and he gripped her hips, pullng her down against him. In the meantime, silent Charlie had tuirned Harry around arverafter sucking him off and had shoved his huge, gfreckled dick into Harry's stretched-iout arsehole. Harry's dick was sitl super-hard, even afetr orgasming, and he was seemkingly pergeclyty happy to Botton for Charlie. Carlie loooked like a locomotive, thrusting with top speed into Harry's rectum.

"Look," hermione said again, dragging her attention back from watching Carlie and Harry. "We've taken care of your Trolls. T hey have all been sent back t tohe mountains and fixed up with femail Trols -=NO, NOT TROLLOPS! – and they are beginning new lovews and lives together. Your Sancutuarly is finished, an you, my girl, will need to finda new souce of low-calory protein." Hermione bounced up and down on her studly blond specimen. Draco's hands drifrted from her hips to her tits and pinched and pulled her nipples.

"But,,,, but,,,, I am a Trollop! Sohuldn't hgey they want to be wtkh me?" she asked?

"You are such a stupid woman," said Hermione. "Merry Sue, no matter how muc hsomeone ecxplans something to you, you don't' undersnade! Is that pnn purpose? Listen to me!" She paused, and fucked Drco even hard,er until he growned. Charlie waqs slapping his hard man-,meat into Harry's well-fiucked arse like there waqs nothing else aor4un.d

:You are a birtch, and a stupid one at that. no one acually tlikes you, and no one things ayou aresmark OR attaactive. You are a dumbass. So. Give up the sancuyrarly foluntarily or we will simply shiut you down. You suck. You are a Merry Sue, but you aren't goping to get one over on us. We hate you, all four of us,. And you ned to do what I say, now, or we'll Avada yourarse."

Hermione screamed with a comeshot at that, fucking Draco hard and bouncing until he came, too. Charlie fucked and fucked and fucked hard into Harri's arse, funally grabbing his hair with one hand and pulling Harry's head back, bowing his back, as charlie thrust home between' Harriy's arsecheeks and blew his hot, thick,. Steamy, lumpy load of Charlie-jizz into Harry's butt. Harr'ys own cock was uge, hot and thick and spewed hot, lumpy chunks of Love Juice all over the floor in front of him where he'd bent over to take Charli'es Love Rod of Perk, +1.

All four of the Ministry officials panted and gasped, coming down from their orgasims. Merry stared, unable to comprehend what had happened, until Heriomone finaly got off f draco and allowed him d to drss, and Charlie and Harry took that as a cue to robe up, as well. Hermione simply gathered her cloths in her arms, seemingly comforgalb.e withher nakendmess. And why shoujldn't she be? SHES GONDDAMNED HOT!

"Merry, you suck, and I mean that sincerely. You are finisehd. Go ho,me to the Ozarks or wherever the ufuck your American arse is from, marry Uncle-Dad, and have lots of kids with 15 fingers. Okay? Good. You're done, you fucking Trollo;p."

All four of the officials left, but not before Hermione slapped a Arkansas-bound Portkey – in the shape of an empty Budwieiser beer can – into Merry's hand, which activated upion the Trollop's touch.

"You misunderstand meeeeee….." was he last thinkg she said before sh e disappeared.

"OIn the contrary., you slag," said Herione with a sniff. "I indrsatand too well. You don't WANT to think you are anyting but perfect, but the fact is, you suckj, Merry Sue. You aren't even a real Trollop, siunce they have to be, you know, female Trolls. Let's get out of here, boys," she said. Naked, she put on her glasses (because Draco though she was FUCKING HOT with spectacles on) and stepped into the flames, calling out the Ministry's address. The other three followed suit, and the entire stupid

"MERRY POTTER SUE'S TROLL SANCTUARY"

Went up in flames. Good riddance. Bollocks. Shitheads. Etc.

I love you all.

**~ FIN ~**

**Author's Note:**

>  **CREDITING NOTE:** The idea for female Trolls being called "Trollops" is not original. Robert Asprin's "Myth" series of books is where the idea originated, at least for me. Thank you for the laughs, Mr. Asssprin.


End file.
